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Last week I got a bad hair cut. I made one feeble attempt to contact the hairdresser and complain. When I didn't hear from her, I promptly went to a different salon and got my hair cut the way I wanted it. It cost me extra money, time and trust in my hairdresser. In hindsight, I handled the situation completely wrong. I did not allow my hairdresser to benefit from my disappointment and frustration.

In the grand scheme of things, getting a bad haircut is a minor annoyance. But I started to reflect on how often I avoid conflict rather than address it.

Conflicts are tough. Just the thought of having a conflict with someone conjures up feelings of anxiety, frustration and memories of unresolved issues. Yet conflict is our doorway to intimacy. And intimacy allows us to express more of who we are, how we feel and what we want from each other.

Typically, we have three reactions to conflict. First, we start avoiding the person who's the source of our frustration. We look for ways to work around, ignore and minimize interactions with the person or group who are problematic for us.

Next, we find someone to talk to about the problem. We complain to co-workers, friends and spouses about the situation and openly express how we feel and what frustrates us. But rarely do we talk directly to the person.

Finally, we ascribe negative motives to the other. We see their actions as 'undermining us;' describe their behavior as 'self serving' and believe their intentions are 'untrustworthy.' All these reactions exacerbate the tension and keep us from understanding or resolving the issues. We believe that address the problem is "just not worth the trouble; that ‘it won't do any good; and there's nothing we can do about it." All too quickly we give up.

But the cost of turning our back on conflicts is high. The Edward Deming Institute estimates that up to 50% of time in an organization's time is wasted due to lack of trust. Another study reveals that 20% of time in organizations is spent dealing with conflict.

So how do we start having a positive experience with conflict?

First we need to believe that dealing with conflict is worthwhile. And we need to legitimize the time it takes to address conflicts at work. Talking about work tasks is not enough to resolve conflicts. We must talk directly about our concerns.

We start by building a bridge to the person or group. Bridge building begins with simple, friendly gestures such as saying 'Hello,' smiling, offering assistance and showing interest. Resolution is not possible unless we are talking. Establishing a connection is an important first step.

Next, we need to set aside time to talk openly about the issues and listen to each other's perceptions and feelings. This is tricky business because either party can get defensive, shut down and stop listening. For resolution to happen, both sides must feel free of the need to justify or defend their position.

When these candid conversations become difficult, it's helpful to invite a neutral person to facilitate the discussion. Peer facilitation can work well as long as the outside person stays neutral.

Once perspectives are shared, it's helpful to take a break from the discussion and return the next day to talk about action steps. In this follow-up meeting, it's good to commit to ground rules and identify clear action steps each party will take. Most conflicts are about the way we treat each other. In an environment of mutual respect many work issues are easily resolved.

Dealing openly with conflict is a new skill for many of us. We have not been taught to value conflict, express our concerns and ask for what we want in a healthy way. And even when we have the skills, we may not choose to use them. We give up far too easily. We know not all problems can be resolved -- but many of them are eased by honest, respectful candor.

So the next time I get frustrated with the people in my life, I plan to share my frustrations. Conflicts are a blessing in disguise. They give us the opportunity to know ourselves better, deepen our relationships and create workable solutions.

Getting Started

If you are frustrated with someone at work . . . ask yourself these questions to prepare yourself to address the situation:

• Is this an issue I want to address?
• What specifically do I want to be different?
• Am I willing to listen and share my feelings and perceptions?
• Do we need a neutral person to help?
• What is the pay-off for resolving this conflict?

Once you have answered these questions, you are ready to have a productive conversation. Remember, the hardest part is deciding to have the conversation.

Topics

• Resolving Conflicts