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Why is it that good news travels up-and bad news sinks like a stone? Fear is at the heart of our communication problems. We're afraid to confront authority, afraid of reprisal, afraid of being vulnerable and afraid of losing control. Fear exists at all levels. According to one study, seventy percent of employees are afraid to speak up for fear of repercussion. Decades of cultural conditioning are at work here. We've been taught by word and deed not to challenge the people at higher levels. The very fiber of our work culture is built around agreeing with the person in charge, even if that person is wrong.

Nathan, a top executive in an insurance firm, ties his career to a new product. The product is in trouble-customers are complaining and profits are dropping. In desperation Nathan hires an outside firm to identify the problems and recommend solutions.

The consultants find significant problems. Customer service on the product is inadequate, the sales force doesn't know how to sell it and the computer system needs to be significantly upgraded to handle the product information. To make matters worse, many of these issues were identified three years ago by the sales force, but personnel at the home office didn't listen.

Upon hearing this report Nathan is livid. He says to his staff, "This is the worst report I've ever seen." Then he asks, "Does anyone agree with this report?" Of course, they all say "No." He fires the product manager, fires the consultant team and discredits the findings as being ludicrous.

Nathan is afraid. He's afraid of failure-the opposite side of his equally strong desire for success. His fears make it difficult to hear bad news-even when he asks for it. Any manager who dares to confront Nathan is in danger of losing his or her job.

When we're afraid we don't want to hear other perspectives. Bad news carries an implicit judgment that threatens us. If something we care about is "bad," we think that we must be "bad!" These are the wages of fear-and no one is immune. Fears cause blow-ups, suspicion, blame and defensiveness. Executives are as likely to be afraid as front-line employees are.

In a consumer product group a top-level manager invites employees to speak with "more candor." The unanimous reaction by employees is, "No way!" A single invitation from management can't undo decades of programming to the contrary. Despite open-door policies, there are multitudes of problems and feelings that employees will never share.

Fear of conflict

Fear keeps us from addressing interpersonal tensions and performance issues. I've seen managers literally get sick to their stomachs before going into a team-building session where they're going to discuss the issues they have with each other. Addressing unmet expectations, personality conflicts, betrayals and opposing points of view is hard for us. We learn early in life to avoid these difficulties. By the time we're adults we are adept at ignoring what bothers us. However, good working relationships require that we talk openly about what we want and need from each other.

Roger, a bank president, avoids a performance issue with Frank, one of his managers. Roger promoted Frank from a sales management position into the human resource position. Frank had no background or experience in this area but he wanted the job.

After the decision was made, Roger realized he'd made a terrible mistake. Roger didn't want to hurt Frank's feelings, so he avoided the issue. For six years the organization worked around the fact that Frank was an inept human resource manager. No one was happy about the situation. Eventually the concerns became too great to ignore.

Roger developed a plan. He asked his staff to go through career testing to identify their strengths and weaknesses. Next he called a team meeting to discuss the results. In this meeting Roger used peer feedback and the assessment information to remove Frank from his position. Under the guise of a feedback session, Roger "restructured" the job away from Frank. Roger told Frank that the decision was based on the assessment and peer feedback. Not once did Roger talk to Frank about his lack of skills as a human resource manager.

In business Roger is able to "leap tall buildings in a single bound." Yet with his direct reports he can't discuss performance issues or make the changes needed. He tries everything-except telling the truth.

Pressure to conform

Fear also causes us to conform. Conforming is when we give up what we know is right in order to fit in with the group and be accepted. Consider the following statements and the messages they send:

• "Do what you're told."
• "Don't rock the boat."
• "Fit in-be a team player."

We send these messages to each other overtly and covertly. The underlying directive is: don't make waves, obey the rules, fit in. Unfortunately, what we get for our efforts are watered-down decisions and poor choices.

Standing up for what we believe is difficult. We don't get brownie points for being the organizational irritant. Mavericks are exalted in the movies, but in real life they're thrown out. It's one thing to root for a fictional character who bucks the system; it's quite another to risk the livelihood you need to feed your family. We conform not because we're weak but because everything we have is at stake. Our ready compliance with the majority leaves us with lackluster and sometimes disastrous decisions. When fear is present we:

• Hesitate to share our ideas.
• Resist the unexpected.
• Follow the rules.
• Take feedback as criticism.
• Watch our back side.

When we feel safe and supported in our relationships, we're able to:

• Freely contribute our ideas.
• Explore innovative solutions.
• Listen to feedback.
• Speak up when we disagree.
• Learn from mistakes.
• Adapt to change faster.

Why are we afraid?

At the heart of fear lies our need to be valued as human beings. The one thing we fear most is rejection. Our conflict-ridden behaviors come from deep fears about not being accepted. Our need for acceptance is like a pebble that gets tossed into a pond and quickly drops out of sight and all we can see are the waves that ripple out. The pebble itself disappears. See

When a negative incident occurs, fear is our first reaction and the waves of anger and hurt expand from there. Imagine learning that a coworker is complaining to your boss about a mistake you made. What's your reaction?

We react because we feel our worth as a human being is being questioned. More than anything, we fear rejection. So we protect ourselves at all cost. The end results are lawsuits, turf wars and interpersonal conflicts. To get to the bottom of it all we must go for the pebble. We must know that it's the pebble of acceptance we are looking for and not let ourselves get distracted by the reactions.

The ripple effect

The following are two examples of what happens when our core needs are threatened and the ripple effect starts.

Example #1: Madeline, a project manager, consistently underestimates the cost of projects and overruns her budget. Her boss is furious about the overruns and starts to micromanage Madeline. Madeline reacts and thinks: I won't share any more information than I'm asked to share; I hate being micromanaged. Her boss labels Madeline as uncooperative and untrustworthy. Madeline's real need is to be seen as a worthy contributor.

Example #2: Eric's manager decides to reassign some of Eric's favorite work to a different person. Eric is disappointed and thinks: My manager isn't looking out for me; he doesn't like me; I'm going to stop contributing in meetings. Eric's manager thinks he's uncooperative and not a team player. Eric's real need is to feel that his contributions are valued.

In these examples, notice how each person's reaction makes the situation worse. Our negative reactions and self-talk begin as soon as we think someone has damaged our self-worth. When we don't feel valued and appreciated, conflicts and resentments are likely to escalate.

Action Exercise

Think of a time when you thought you were being treated unfairly and answer these questions about the situation:

• Who was involved?
• What assumptions did you make about others' motives?
• Did you check out your assumptions directly with the other person?
• If you did, were your assumptions true?

Three Basic Needs

To reduce fear and improve relationships we must recognize three basic needs that we all have:

We need to be liked.

Our need to be valued and appreciated is a powerful motivator. We instinctively know the value of being liked. Being liked helps us get things done, be promoted, win projects, influence others and gain support. Not being liked leads to conflicts with peers, loss of opportunities, poor cooperation and a bad reputation.

No matter how much we pretend, no one truly wants to be disliked. The hardest, toughest people are often the tender inside. One manager said to me, "I act like a bear and people are afraid of me, but inside I'm a woos."

Cliques reflect needs

The desire to be liked, feel safe and be appreciated can be seen in cliques. Workplaces are reminiscent of high school when it comes to cliques. We have old-timer cliques, technical-types cliques, ethnic cliques, smoker cliques, old-boy cliques, manager cliques, front-desk and "back-office" cliques.

Cliques are normal. They are the natural grouping of people who share an experience or interest in common. Cliques create a sense of belonging, but they also leave people out. It's the simple exclusions such as not being invited to lunch that cause bad feelings. Status symbols such as higher walls, larger offices and reserved parking spaces also create separation. The have-nots feel resentful and envious of the more privileged haves. Employees want to get beyond cliques and superficial differences. They express these feelings as follows: "I wish we could work better together. I want to know more about other groups and departments. I like it when we work as a team."

We need to be appreciated

Appreciating each other can remedy a negative situation. A welfare agency is on the verge of a costly lawsuit with an Asian employee, Wong Lee. Wong Lee is threatening to sue the organization for discrimination. Jim, his manager, is at a loss about what to do. How did the situation get so out of hand? What can he do? To salvage their relationship before the lawyers close in, Jim works with the human resource manager.

After the human resource manager interviews employees, the problem becomes clear. Wong Lee is Asian-American. Jim has little experience managing a culturally diverse group. He sticks with what's comfortable and familiar to him. Unconsciously he gives all his friends the promotions and special assignments. After three years of watching this pattern, Wong Lee is discouraged and angry. He wants to grow and be promoted but he sees little hope of getting help from Jim.

Jim feels intimidated and uncertain around Wong Lee. Wong Lee's English is difficult for Jim to understand. He can't relate to Wong Lee's interests or background.

The first step in rebuilding this nearly disastrous situation is for Jim and Wong Lee to spend time together. Repairing their relationship is not an easy process, especially given their differing pasts. But as Jim gradually gets to know Wong Lee, his appreciation for him grows, as does his appreciation for Wong Lee's talents. Wong Lee starts to feel that his ideas and suggestions are valued. They learn to work together and a costly lawsuit is avoided.

We need to belong

We need to feel that we belong in order to contribute our best. Too often we fail miserably at bonding and connecting with each other. Even in meetings where we don't know each other, little time is spent on introductions and finding common ground. Instead, we dive right into the task and ignore the fact that we don't even know the person sitting next to us.

Lack of attention to the need to belong is evident in the way we treat new employees. Some new employees described their first day on the job this way:

• "They took me to my desk, showed me my phone and that was it. From there on I was on my own."
• "I showed up in the morning and waited in the lobby until 10:00, when someone finally remembered me."
• "They gave me a perfunctory tour and then everyone left for lunch. I stayed behind and answered the phone."
• "The former sales manager arrived at the house and dumped stuff from the back of his car into my trunk and said, ‘Good luck.'"

These may sound like horror stories, but for too many employees they're all too real.

Hewlett-Packard does a wonderful job of bringing new employees on board. New hires attend an orientation session. They hear stories about the company's early beginnings and learn about Hewlett-Packard's values first-hand from top managers. This orientation into the corporate community creates a wonderful sense of belonging.

The value of connecting

The quality of our relationships is directly related to our job performance and satisfaction. We need to acknowledge the significance of our relationships with each other.

Imagine that you have an invisible highway that connects you to others at work. With each person you work with you have a different kind of connection. Some of your relationships are terrific. You can talk about anything; you get lots done and communication flows easily back and forth between you. With another person you have a completely different connection. With this person there are lots of bumps in the road, and delays and unexpected stops are frequent. The amount of work you can get done when you have a good connection is radically different from when you're traveling on back roads and one-way streets. Our ability to get work done is directly affected by the quality of our connection to others.

Action Exercise

Positive relationships are productive. Reflect on your coworkers and answer these questions:

• What kind of relational highways do I have with the people I work with?
• Are my relations in good repair?
• Do my relationship connections look like two-lane roads or bumpy back alleys?"

Here are some basic facts about our connection to others: Our connections with people are like "highways."

• Broken or weak connections affect our ability to get work done.
• The quality of these connections is visible to others.
• Conflict is more likely if our connections are not in good repair.
• Ongoing maintenance and barrier removal are necessary to maintain strong relationships.

Building strong relationships

When our relational highways are strong, fear and mistrust are much less likely to occur. When these connections are weak, we are vulnerable to mistrust and misperceptions. Keeping our relations intact heads off fear and builds the capacity to work effectively together. To eliminate the problems caused by fear and to build healthy connections, there are several things we can do.

1. Express appreciation

Employees frequently comment, "I always hear when things go wrong but when things go right, it's just expected." Managers can change this feeling by making a conscious effort to show appreciation. Small forms of recognition mean a lot. Start acknowledging individuals by sending notes of appreciation and expressing verbal thank-you's. Let bosses, peers and employees know that you notice, care and value what they're contributing.

Set up peer-appreciation programs. In one office employees bought a small bear that everyone nicknamed the "appreciation bear." Every month the bear appeared in someone's office with a thank-you note for something they did that was "above and beyond" the call of duty. The recipient passed the bear on to someone else the following month. A little acknowledgment goes a long way.

2. Get to know employees as individuals

In a utility company of over three hundred employees, the chief executive, Gary, calls every employee by name. Gary has trouble remembering names, so he takes the company roster home at night and memorizes it. He knows that personal recognition is the key to employee commitment and to the success of his business.

Frequently I ask individuals in my groups to introduce themselves and share one unknown fact about themselves. Participants sometimes resist because they've worked together for years and already know each other. The results are amazing. Everyone shares personal stories and develops a deeper appreciation for one another. Afterward they complete the work task in less time and with more laughter.

Organizations often sponsor events for employees to socialize, celebrate and get to know each other. These events are a good start, but they need to be utilized for the value they can bring. Without direction, employees sit with colleagues they already know and fail to become acquainted with other groups. Deliberate orchestration of social activities is necessary to help others get better acquainted. Workplace bonding cannot be left to happenstance or it will not occur at a meaningful level.

Together, getting to know each other and expressing appreciation for one another build a solid foundation for good working relationships. Without this relational baseline, problems and concerns are more likely to affect productivity.

3. Encourage diverse opinions

When we work together we need to be able to disagree with each other and still maintain the relationship. Use the following statements to encourage different points of view. When you disagree with your boss, say:

• "I have an opinion about this decision [or project], but I am hesitant to express it. Do you want to hear my views about this situation?"
• "I'd like to feel that there will be no reprisals if I tell you what I think about this issue."

To encourage divergent opinions in a group, say:

"We have talked about the benefits of this idea; now let's talk about the risks and drawbacks we haven't discussed."

"Who has an opinion that's vastly different from that of the majority in this room? Let's hear your views and see what we can learn that might help us."

To express a different opinion, you can say:

"I have an opinion that's different from everyone else's; do you want to hear it?"

To solicit candid feedback about a change, say:

"I'd like your input on how the new program is working. I especially want to know about the problems and what can be improved. Please speak up, even if you think I won't like what you have to say. Your ideas, insights and feedback are important to me." Thank individuals for their response, especially when the answer is not what you want to hear.

4. Seek information in a non-threatening way

The kinds of questions we ask determine whether we get an honest answer or an evasive reply. Blaming questions can trigger fear. Interest and curiosity invite responses. Reword questions that start with "Why" and "Who." Asking ‘Who and Why' questions can imply that someone is to blame for a problem.

For example, imagine there's a problem and someone asks you these questions. What is your reaction?

"Why" and "Who" questions:

• "Why did this happen?"
• "Who was here yesterday?"
• "Who is working on this project?"
• "Why does this happen every Monday?"
• "Why did you do that?"

Questions that start with "What" and "How" are less threatening and imply that you want to understand, not blame. Observe the difference in your reaction to the following list of questions:

"What" and "How" questions:

• "How did this occur?"
• "What took place yesterday?"
• "How can we improve our work process?"
• "What causes this to happen every Monday?"
• "What happened?"

When the situation is stressful, it's important to wait for complete responses and to ask more than one question. If you're asking questions, wait for a complete response. Allow time for the person to answer the question.

What we fear most at work is rejection. If we fail to acknowledge the power of fear, it can wreak havoc at work. We can reduce fear by maintaining positive relationships with each other and making it safe to talk openly about concerns. This takes deliberate time and effort, but the rewards are superior performance and better working relationships.

Topics

• Leadership